So here's the deal. I was offered a paying-job to work at a firm this summer and I was also offered an unpaid internship with a federal judge. I took the position with the federal judge. Why did I make this decision? Well, it was based on a number of factors, and tidbits of advice I received, and the thought that I want to put myself in a good position to do a clerkship upon graduation (if it turns out to be an appealing avenue) but I'm still not entirely comfortable with it.
Taking the position with the judge is the morally "right" thing to do in the circles I run in. It's very noble to turn down money in the quest for knowledge and an opportunity to see and do neat things. I have the luxury to do this because I have a very generous family who is willing to support me and who can do so without significant ramifications to their own lifestyle.
I'm incredibly grateful, but I'm also getting sick of living off of the family dime. I turned 26 a week ago today, I'm semi-smart and capable, and yet I'm not supporting myself. I feel guilty about this, and yet I continue to purchase things that I don't need. As I look to the summer and wedding plans, there is a good deal more spending ahead. I look around me and see lots of people living at or above their means, and I'm guilty too. But I'm not particularly motivated to scale back either.
It's all compounded by the sense that my financial future looks ok. I've put away substantial savings (with the help of generous family), and between my law degree and S's medical degree there is the potential for income that will make us very comfortable. Granted, there are a million factors that could change this financial future, and I'm not one to count my chickens before they hatch, and yet...
It's a perfect storm of privilege and it creates a sense of security and allows me the luxury to say, "the money can come later." But I'm uneasy with this. I'm antsy to test out my own "newfound" earning power (ridiculous as it is that one measly year of law school should produce such a jump). I'm eager to start paying back my loans and to get off the family and government dole.
This doesn't mean that I don't want to do interesting things, or that I'm only interested in earning money. I want both, and in typical 2006 fashion, I want them now! The choice for the summer is about privilege, but also about patience. And patience, so it's said, is a virtue. Hmph.