Wrong

Coming home this evening around 10 pm, I stepped into the elevator behind a woman wearing the distinct X of a baby snuggly across her back. "Aw, I thought to myself, she's got a newborn all snuggled up in there. Must be a boy, she's got a blue blanket dangling from one side."

You probably know where this is going...

She turned to face me in the elevator. No baby. A dog. I've seen this before, the dog in the front-packs made to carry human offspring. But then I witnessed something particularly strange.

The woman was licking what appeared to be a milk chocolate Dove Bar.

You probably know where this is going...

As she blathered about the rotten smell in the elevator, she lowered the bar from her mouth, right to the level of the dog's mouth. Before I could say anything the dog's little pink tongue began licking the bar. When she noticed that her mini-poodle was lapping at her ice cream she, without taking the bar away, said, "No, no baby, just the ice cream, not the chocolate." Continuing to talk to me, she raised the ice cream to her mouth once again and took some licks herself.

It was like watching some sort of sick porn - the really awful ones where food and animals are involved. At which point I was unable to carry on any more elevator banter, so mesmirized I was by this woman's utterly twisted relationship with her pet.