Growing Up

I have a distinct memory of driving in the car with my mother one afternoon, I must have been a high school Junior, and she said to me "I think that you'd be fine on your own." She meant it as an affirmation of how independent I'd become, something many teens probably would have rejoiced at hearing. But it scared the bejesus out of me. Me? On my own? I'm not ready, hell no!

I was that little girl who called her parents at midnight and sobbed that they come pick her up from the sleep over. I was the one whose grandparents became exasperated because I was so overcome with homesickness that I wouldn't have fun with them. I was the one who had such anxiety about the dance at the end of a junior high retreat that I barely ate anything the whole week. I was the one who still wanted an Easter egg hunt when I was twelve. I was the one who wore the tightest sports bra possible to deny the new bumps on my chest.

I've made it from there to here - living away from home for going on eight years, and out of the school nursery for three of those. I take care of my own finances (mostly), health and healthcare, maintain personal relationships, and generally "keep my shit together". But am I grown up? A few weekends ago, my boyfriend and I test drove a car, this weekend we're going to test drive a few more. Now that feels grown up; it also feels pretend. I laugh at us, showing up at the dealership --- aren't they wondering if we're old enough to have licenses? One of my best friends is getting married this summer, and friends are getting engaged left and right. When I go to these weddings I feel like I'm playing dress-up (really good happy dress-up).

For better or for worse, marriage is one of the few rites of passage celebrated in American society. It announces a couple's love for each other, but it also marks the movement of one cycle to the next; you step outside your nuclear family to begin making a family of your own (with whatever partner you choose). Maybe I've just been brainwashed by the image of the father "giving" his daughter to the groom (I'm not going to step into the crossfire of the socio-political debate that could be inserted here), but I do believe that when you marry, there's transference from parent(s) being the primary support to spouses serving as primary support to each other. You and your spouse become a new unit. Along with that goes a certain independence and autonomy and responsibility that's thrilling, but also perhaps a bit daunting.

I really wanted to go to those sleepovers. I thought I was ready to spend the whole night in my My Little Pony sleeping bag on someone's shag carpet (and so did my parents). I loved spending time with my friends, and yet, I just wasn't comfortable with it. Some people just take a little longer than others to move through certain stages of life. It's not that we don't want to grow up, it's just that we don't want to grow up too fast.