Open Letter to the Bookstore Employee

Dear Mr. Bookstore Employee,
I appreciate that you want to help your customers, and I am sorry if you have had a difficult life. However, please note that when helping me find a book on Criminal Procedure, it is not necessary to put your arm around me. I am confident that you can help me find the book just fine without touching me at all.

Also, I do not want to hear about how a neighbor called child protection services because you were doing fun things with your kids -- those fun things being putting your kids in a mesh laundry bag and swinging them from a rafter. I don't want to hear this story because (a) I don't like hearing you talk about how your kids were all having "nekkid time" when CPS arrived, because I get the feeling that you just enjoy saying "nekkid" to me. Whether your children were clothed or unclothed has no bearing on your story (b) I don't think that it sounds like fun to be swung around in a laundry bag. In fact, I get motion sick just thinking about it (though your "nekkid" kids may well have enjoyed it).

Finally, if I am holding the book I am about to purchase to my chest, please do not grab it from me and in doing so accidentally brush my boob. That counter, that one in front of the register, it's there so that people like me can put their purchases on it when they are ready to pay. (See also note on touching customers above).
Thanks for your kind attention,
Ms. Runner